A Domme can be many things, and I won’t go out on a limb and say that all men need one. But many men do, and your husband may be one of the countless men who truly function better when they have a Dominant woman to serve. In many cases, you are more than capable of becoming the Domme that your husband needs to be fully satisfied and functional, but if you do not have the desire or the constitution for Dominance, partnering with the right Domme is essential to maintaining control in your relationship. Why does your husband need a Domme and how can you become one or find one to support you in your role as his wife? These are the questions I hope to help you answer in this article.

First, what qualifies me to speak on this subject? I am a loving wife in an ethically non-monogamous relationship so I have experience bringing other people into my marriage and sex life. I was pretty staunchly monogamous at one point so I can relate to the hesitation and fears associated with opening things up in any capacity. One of our favorite things to do together is to train new Dommes. We have helped women learn how to dominate their husbands, and it is incredibly fulfilling. I am also a professional Domme. I have worked extensively with submissive men, women, and couples, both in person and through deep conversational connection. I have counseled countless married men who are ashamed of their submissive natures and feel unable to connect with their wives sexually or otherwise. So here I am… hoping to offer some advice that just might transform your life and marriage into something more powerful and amazing than you ever could have imagined. Just have an open mind.

Why Your Husband Needs a Domme

There are many reasons that your husband may need a Domme. Some men need strict control to guide their productivity. Some need literal physical and sexual punishments in order to feel penance after mistakes or to actually change and grow into better men. Some long for chastity to be inflicted so that they can stop being ruled by the base desire for constant ejaculation. Some need a higher purpose in their life, a literal religion of love and devotion in a world devoid of meaning. Some need sessions that help them feel sub space, where their mind can just be free and empty for a moment. Some need the healing of a maternal figure to comfort them and hold them accountable softly. Some need to feel safe giving into specific kinks and fetishes, which may also be a source of guilt or shame. Some need to be able to give expression to their feminine side or to explore their bisexuality/pansexuality.

How to Know if Your Husband Needs a Domme (and learn a bunch more too)

The above things may seem like very remote possibilities to you, but the truth is that many men are submissive and will resonate with something on that list or something else that I did not think to mention. I can’t tell you how often I have a client reach out to me who is married and just KNOWS that his wife would be APPALLED to find out that he is submissive. Society has terrified so many submissive men into shame about their nature, and it is heartbreaking because submissive men are the best husbands!

So how do you know if your husband needs a Domme? Ask him. Just have an open conversation about any fantasies, fetishes, and kinks you might want to explore. Specifically ask if he has any desires to be submissive or dominant. If he says yes, ask follow-up questions. Even if he suggests that he is into something that surprises you, try not to be shocked or appalled. He might be really nervous opening up about something. Even if you’ve been together for decades, there could be sexual secrets or shameful fetishes he’s kept from you. Plus, the internet has made pornography more varied and accessible meaning he might have stumbled onto new things recently. Regardless of what comes out of your conversation, share your own fantasies and desires as well. Now is the time to make sure you are both being fulfilled fully.

We Had an Honest Conversation; Now What?

Having the conversation about what you both want sexually and otherwise is stressful enough on its own. But now, you have to decide what to do about all of this new information. Hopefully, you’ve found many new ways that your sex life can transform and evolve together. But if you’ve both been fully honest, chances are you’ve also found some areas that feel a bit uncomfortable or that are not aligning well. The truth is that sexual desires are varied and nuanced, and it’s very rare that two people are fully compatible. So let’s talk about how to get both of you more fulfilled.

The easiest place to start is with the fetishes you are both interested in. Explore these together and also throw in anything that was on one person’s list and that the other person is open to. Your boundaries of what feels comfortable will likely expand as you try more things together so feel good going at whatever pace comes naturally. There’s no need to do everything at once. Stick to what feels good and uplifts your relationship. Leave the rest to explore later.

What to Do About Your Incompatibilities

It’s all well and good exploring the easy things together, but what about when his fetish triggers your trauma? Or when you are both submissive and you have no desire to even pretend to be Dominant? It’s inevitable that there will be incompatibilities between the two of you. What you do about them depends on how you feel about monogamy. I’m guessing you’re familiar with the arguments FOR monogamy so let me give you a bit of an argument for opening things up a bit instead. Monogamy asks for a hell of a lot from one person. Think of all the ways you and your husband are supposed to show up for each other every single day forever. Now add on that you are also somehow responsible for sexually fulfilling one another forever as well, and really… it’s just absurd. Throw in the fact that sexual arousal dissipates over time together, and you’ll understand why opening things up can be incredibly rewarding.

Now what that means can absolutely vary depending on your relationship. Perhaps you only open things up on occasion for a specific fantasy to be fulfilled. Or perhaps he has a Domme while you have lovers or a girlfriend. It will be complicated and messy like all human relationships are, but opening things up gives you the freedom to negotiate your lives more fully and claim the things you both need.

How to Be The Domme Your Husband Needs

Don’t assume that you aren’t Dominant just because you have no experience with Dominance. Many women believe they are submissive when really they’ve just had their power throttled back by society. If you have ever been hurt by a man or society, if you’ve ever felt like your power was not recognized because of your womanhood, or if you struggle with feelings of body shame or sexual repression, you may be more Dominant than you realize. Even I once believed I was submissive because I let religion tell me who to be. If you think there might be a spark of Dominance inside of you, reach out to me. I would love to help foster it. Training new Dommes is one of my favorite things to do, and it’s especially fulfilling when I am helping set the tone for a matriarchal marriage. Above all else, just try it. Give yourself the freedom to explore Domination and be open to what you find there.

Finding the Right Domme for Your Husband

If you don’t want to be your husband’s Domme, but you believe he needs one, it can be tempting to just pretend the need isn’t there. Instead, set the tone for his submission and the preeminence of your marriage by finding a Domme for him yourself. Choose a Domme who will respect your marriage and collaborate with you as much as you want. The right Domme will be able to support your marriage while training your husband in the ways he craves and needs. If you find the right Domme for your husband, you will likely see improvements in his productivity and his mood. She will even be able to work with him on things you need him to be better with, giving you the control of Domination without the work or responsibility of it.

Reach out and let me know if your husband needs a Domme – or if you need one. 😉